Buy Stuff
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I hope you enjoy my music. If you do, and if you're able to, I'd be grateful if you could drop something in the guitar case. Nothing is required, anything is appreciated.
To donate, just click on the guitar case (this does NOT add anything to your Shopping Cart -- it's a separate transaction from any purchases).
Thanks again! -- Tom |
Albums
All cassette and CD prices include shipping and handling.
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Who Let Him In Here?
Cassette $12.00 |
Tom's first tape, recorded at various cons in 1990. Somehow, you knew he was going to be trouble.
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Domino Death
Cassette $12.00 |
The long-awaited follow-up to WHO LET HIM IN HERE? is possibly even weirder. More carnage, more love songs, more livestock.
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Plugged
$8.99 |
Now imagine Tom really wired. It's shticks, drums, and rock 'n' roll, celebrating family and freedom, partying in the Caribbean, invoking some Pretty Good Old Ones, waxing eloquent on spam, predicting your future by voicemail, and cramming in pun after pun after pun.... |
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Debasement Tapes
Download: $8.99
CD and Download: $17.00 |
Warning: There are no soaring, dramatic lyrics here, no plaintive melodies, no heartstrings. It's a full hour of Tom at his most insane (with help from The Smithtones [Anne Schneider and Karen Foran] and a breathtaking amount of take-out BBQ). Recorded as a house concert in 1999, some of these songs cannot be obtained anywhere else. We're still trying to figure out if that's a good thing. |
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Live at GAFilk
$4.99 |
The first filk concert available for secure download! In this case, Tom's GOH set at GAFilk 2001. Wonderfully recorded by Gerry Tyra, lovingly re-engineered by Tom for clarity of both performance and audience, we've got over 70 minutes of music and madness, including:
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Badgers and Gophers and Squirrels, Oh My:
The 24-Hour Project
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The challenge: Write as many songs as he could in twenty-four hours, based on suggestions from his friends and fans. The final result: seventeen new songs! (Fourteen of which were recorded over the following three days.) Reggae, badgers, rock'n'roll, gophers, Mozart, squirrels, Klezmer, space squids, and a whole lot more... all new, never heard before! Now also includes the songs formerly in "Best of ChiCon 2000"!
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And They Say I've Got Talent
Download: $9.99
CD and Download: $17.00 |
Not only featuring favorites like "The Illuminati Polka" and "A Dragon's Lullaby", new madness like "Bullet Time" and "The Ballad of Rupert", but also a multilevel marketing extravaganza:
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Homecoming: MarCon 2005
Download $4.99 |
Tom is at the top of his game with a fantastic crowd for a Guest of Honor concert celebrating his 20th anniversary at MarCon! With American Sign Language from Judi Miller (you can't see it on the album, of course, but you can hear when she's about to bop Tom for some new verbal atrocity) and an assist from The Great Luke Ski, this is sixty-seven minutes of love, madness, and great music.
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The Last Hero On Earth
Download: $9.99
CD and Download: $17.00 |
Maxicron! Amazing Gracie! Fenderbender! These and many other famous heroes stick in the collective craw of the world's mad scientists. Frustrated with their numerous individual defeats, they've united under the diabolical leadership of Dr. Thaddeus Mallevo and Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III to get rid of the heroes forever with the terrible robot army known as The Sinister Sixty, led by the Kill-O-Tron! Now, only one hero wannabe -- the idealistic everyman who calls himself The Waffle -- stands between the people of Earth and total subjugation!
Pity he's just been zapped across the galaxy....
To hear the first four songs of the album for free, click here. |
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Sins of Commission
$4.99 |
One of the coolest gifts you can get for someone is their very own song. Tom's been writing gift songs for awhile now, and the big trick has been to personalize them and make them good songs that anyone can enjoy. Now you can judge the results for yourself, with a full dozen tracks, as well as the slightly remastered "A Dragon's Lullaby". Some silly, some sweet, many romantic. Oh, and "The Very Secret Diary of Dark Wolf", which is just plain goofy.
Come Be My Love Forever / Creatures of the Night / A Dragon's Lullaby / Felis Draco / Kitsune and the Master of Zen / Mary Kelly (Radio Edit) / The Melody Is You / Old Time Movie Romance / Piratical Love / Slow Dance / The Very Secret Diary of Dark Wolf / Worth the Wait / Y.U.R.T. (Your Un-Resolved [sexual] Tension) |
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iTom 1.0: And So It Begins
$7.99 |
Funny thing -- you do a song a week for three months, and suddenly you've got enough for a whole new album! The iTom songs released during Aug.-Oct. 2006 are collected here in high-quality 192 Kbps MP3s. |
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iTom 2.0: Transitions
$8.99 |
The second iTom collection is complete! A crazed and eclectic mix of brand-new songs, mostly on the subject of change and transition -- from being awake to being asleep, from Republican control of Congress to Democratic, from your S.O. leaving to your self-image leaving, from how much you want to grow up to how much you want to stay a child. Also included is a bonus track, "An Ecclesiastes For Rose", that you can't get anywhere else! |
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iTom 3.0: True Love Waits
$8.99 |
Love permeates our existences, in more forms than we can easily recognize. Still, count on Tom to find some of the more bizarre ones. From fake Hallmark holidays to real religious movements, from sex droids to sexual identity crises, from battlefield passion to Renter's Rage, the third iTom collection has thirteen tracks covering love, sex, and romance from a unique point of view. Also included is a bonus track, "March of the PenguiCon", written for the popular Michigan science fiction convention and open-source expo. |
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iTom 4.0: Smith and Legend
$8.99 |
Before science, people explained how the world works with myth -- the sun was Apollo's chariot wheel, thunder was the dwarves bowling, Dick Cheney was the offspring of a cockatrice and Elmer Fudd, that sort of thing. Time marches on, but we still have legends and superstitions and weird beliefs of all stripes... and several of them got in Tom's face, or vice-versa, in new and interesting ways. From warning labels to Wikipedia, from sidekicks to space opera, and including two zombie apocalypses (apocalypsi?), Tom once again brings the weird, the wacky, and the occasionally poignant. The bonus track is a rockin' cover of Leslie Fish's seminal space anthem, "Hope Eyrie". |
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Songs of The FuMP, Vol. 1
$8.99 |
The Funny Music Project is changing the face of comedy music -- and Tom's the left nostril! This collection of all the songs written for The FuMP in 2007 includes "EULA Dancing", "Ultimate Ultimate Christmas", the viral hit "Cat Macros", "CYA" (with guest appearances by most of The FuMP), a live performance of "Spoiler Alert", and both the original version of "Tech Support For Dad" and a live version featuring Tom's dad! Also included is "Driving Through Ohio", previously only available on the Earpicac fundraising CD for Con On The Cob. You want The FuMP? You got The FuMP! |
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Sins of Commission 2
$8.99 |
Another collection of songs written on commission, including romance, fantasy, familial superheroics, gaming silliness, a tribute to the late Jim Baen, a theme for the online journal Anthrozine... and, at last, many of the songs Tom's written for some of today's coolest and most popular web comics, including Kevin & Kell, Accidental Centaurs, and Something Positive! |
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More Than FuMP:
Songs of The FuMP, Vol. 2
$8.99 |
Ready for this? About half the songs on this album are specifically for kids. ("Who The Fuck Is Matt" notwithstanding.) Truly, the Tom are a-changin'. Anyhow. here are all of the songs Tom did for The FuMP in 2008 and the first half of 2009, with a few non-FuMP ditties along the way. As usual, nothing is safe -- zombies, pirates, ninjas, Dr. Horrible, Death Note, research animals, bunnies, Jonathan Coulton, food, love itself. And Watchmen. Don't forget Watchmen. Also, "Stony Peak" and "I Had A Shoggoth" have been remixed from their original FuMP releases, with even a new joke here and there! |
Live Shows
Each of these is one or two very large MP3s, from either conventions or house concerts. Apart from being minimally processed for clarity, these are pretty much as recorded, with all the shtick,
banter, improv, and blown chords or lyrics intact.
ConFusion
Troy, MI
Jan. 20, 2007
$2.99 |
Good crowd, local con, lotsa silly (with some sad), and the first public performances of "Tech Support For Dad" and "Take Your Hands Off the Bear".
I Want My Flying Car / Lumberin' Bunny / Improv: Baby Ninja Mongols / Last Night I Had A Restroom Clean /Crystal Gayle Killed Frank Herbert / Blue Screen of Death / Dead Potters / Dave / Storm Dancing / Walking Along The Beach / Tech Support For Dad / I Want To Be Peter Lorre / Take Your Hands Off The Bear |
House Concert
Louisville, KY
Jan. 27, 2007
$4.99 |
Over two hours. Many old favorites, many new songs, a few surprise covers, improv songs, and the mystery of What Was That One Song Tom Does? |
FenCon
Dallas, TX
Sept. 22, 2007
$2.99 |
Tom's first appearance at the remarkably fun Dallas convention. Very good crowd, with lots of fresh mea- er, people who hadn't heard him before. ;)
Code Monkey / The Ballad of Rupert / Illuminati Polka / Operation: Desert Storm / Spoiler Alert / Tech Support For Dad / Crystal Gayle Killed Frank Herbert / Honey-Glazed Ham / House At Cthulhu Corner / Blue Screen of Death / Badger Pajamas / What If? / When I Was A Boy / Take Your Hands Off the Bear |
GAFilk
Atlanta, GA
Jan. 12, 2008
$2.99 |
Concom's Choice concert. ASL signing by Judi Miller.
Intro by Brian Richardson / Improv: The Man In the Moon Went Fishin' / Tech Support For Dad / Hey, It's Can(n)on / Undead Happy Trees / Zombie Blues / Two Guys Kissin' (Ruined My Life) / Smash the Frickin' Fairies / I Want To Be Peter Lorre / Spoiler Alert / Dead Again / The Cthulhu Colada Song / House On Cthulhu Corner / Return of the King, Uh Huh / Take Your Hands Off the Bear / 307 Ale / Rocket Ride |
CapriCon
Chicago, IL
Feb. 15, 2008
$2.99 |
The Pirate Guys were at Cap, and Tom's set list was slightly influenced by that.
Improv: Here At The Con / A Pirate Christmas / Ultimate Ultimate Christmas / Kwizatz Haderach / Crystal Gayle Killed Frank Herbert / Blog Like It's the End of the World / Two Guys Kissin' (Ruined My Life) / I Want To Be Peter Lorre / Domino Death / Trans Poly U Fight Song / Take Your Hands Off the Bear / 307 Ale / Rocket Ride |
EschaCon
Philadelphia, PA
Mar. 29, 2008
$2.99 |
Tom's gig at the liberal blogging event of 2008. A few favorites, but on the whole a rather different set. High energy, great crowd. |
PenguiCon
Troy, MI
April 19, 2008
$2.99 |
A solid hour of silly. Hot crowd, many of whom hadn't heard Tom's stuff before. Listen for the literal physical collapse of the sound man -- he made a very agreeable thump. |
WindyCon
Chicago, IL
Nov. 15, 2008
$3.99 |
A full hour and a half of Back In The Saddle Again! With special appearance by The Great Luke Ski.
Redneck Ninjas / Zombie Pirates In Love / Giant Monster / Blog Like It's the End of the World / Smash the Frickin' Fairies / Honey-Glazed Ham / Walking Along The Beach / Everything Is Dangerous / I Had A Shoggoth / Domino Death / Shiver My Timbers / Still A Nerd / Brand New Day / Dr. Horrible / Bad Horse Chorus / I'm On Firefly / I Want To Be Peter Lorre / Spoiler Alert / Dervish / House On Cthulhu Corner / Alternate Universe Lost & Found /307 Ale / Rocket Ride |
What The Hell Con
Greensboro, NC
Feb. 6, 2009
$3.99 |
An intimate con on a small college campus with a big ol' auditorium and an enthusiastic audience, many of whom hadn't heard Tom before. Over 1-1/2 hours.
Improv: Welcome / Hey, It's Can(n)on / Illuminati Polka / Pygmalion 2.0, SP1 / Happy Conception Day / Kwizatz Haderach / Trans Poly U Fight Song / Blog Like It's the End of the World / Telly Taley Heart / Improv: Ben the Artist / Improv: Jerry / Redneck Ninjas / Stony Peak / Great Idea For A Song / "Kidnapped By Pirates" Is Good / Talk Like A Pirate Day / A Boy And His Frog / The Rainbow Connection / Dervish / Take Your Hands Off the Bear / I Want To Be Peter Lorre / Spoiler Alert / Aloha / Seven Drunken Nights In Space / Dead Again / Commercial / The Here and Now |
CapriCon
Chicago, IL
Feb. 20, 2009
$2.99 |
A shorter set in the Cabaret. Includes a new shaggy dog for "Spoiler Alert".
Trans Poly U Fight Song / Illuminati Polka /Pygmalion 2.0, SP1 / Dead Again / Spoiler Alert / Dervish / The Here and Now / I Had A Shoggoth / 307 Ale / Rocket Ride |
DucKon
Chicago, IL
June 13, 2009
$2.99 |
Jan DiMasi, the filk goddess of DucKon, likes eclectic. Eclectic it is.
Cruisin' For Chicks On Google Maps / Intro / Two Guys Kissin' (Ruined My Life) / Happy Conception Day / Pygmalion 2.0, SP1 / Everything Is Dangerous / Garlic Is For Lovers / Contessa / Storm Dancing / Undead Happy Trees / Take Your Hands Off the Bear / 307 Ale / Rocket Ride |
LibertyCon
Chattanooga, TN
July 10, 2009
$2.99
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Another excellent Southern con, with a fine crowd. This is the Friday night set, just over 1-1/4 hours.
Blue Screen Of Death / Hamster Brain / Improv: Nailing Jiminy / Smash the Frickin' Fairies / Redneck Ninjas / Crystal Gayle Killed Frank Herbert / Kwizatz Haderach / The Cthulhu Colada Song / Honey-Glazed Ham / Two Guys Kissin' (Ruined My Life) / 500 Hats / I Want To Be Peter Lorre / Warner Bros.' Lord Of The Rings / Operation: Desert Storm / Spoiler Alert / Divine Irregularity / House On Cthulhu Corner / Dead Potters / Badger Pajamas / Gamera / When I Was A Boy / The Ballad of Fenton / 307 Ale / Rocket Ride |
LibertyCon
Chattanooga, TN
July 11, 2009
$2.99
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Another excellent Southern con, with a fine crowd (and a repeat, by request, of "When I Was A Boy"). This is the Saturday afternoon set, just about an hour.
Illuminati Polka / Talk Like A Pirate Day / Destroyer Of Worlds / Zombie Pirates In Love / When I Was A Boy / Cthulhu Lite FM / Tech Support For Dad / Return of the King, Uh Huh / Zombie Blues / I Had A Shoggoth / Dervish / The Here and Now |
LibertyCon
Chattanooga, TN
July 10 and 11, 2009
$4.99
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Both LibertyCon sets at a special price. |
WindyCon
Lombard, IL
November 13, 2009
$2.99
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Okay, this one is just unbelievable. The Friday night set, about 1-1/2 hours, had a large and enthusiastic crowd, lots of silly banter, and able assistance on "PQR" from Eric Coleman and Jason Neerenberg of Toyboat on the drums and bass, respectively. Eric also joins in for "Rocket Ride" and "Trans Poly U. Fight Song", and Amy McNally brings her incredible violin work to "Dervish".
Improv: Sound Check / I Want To Be Peter Lorre / Hamster Brain / The Worst Job There Is / Hyperspace Cryogenic Insomnia Blues / Hey, It's Can(n)on / Two Guys Kissin' (Ruined My Life) / PQR / Zombie Blues / Domino Death / Storm Dancing / Dervish / Rich Fantasy Lives / Trans Poly U. Fight Song / Mechanicsburg Tourism Song / Dead Potters / Badger Pajamas / 307 Ale / Rocket Ride |
WindyCon
Lombard, IL
November 14, 2009
$2.99
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The Masquerade set, seventy-five minutes of silly with lots of fresh mea- er, people who hadn't heard Tom before, and a Very Special Version of "I Had A Shoggoth" (no lyrics sheet to lean on).
Spoiler Alert / I'm On Firefly / The Ballad of Fenton / The 12 Days of Star Wars / Operation: Desert Storm / When I Was A Boy / 500 Hats / Seven Drunken Nights In Space / Telly Taley Heart / Two Guys Kissin' (Ruined My Life) / Hey, It's Can(n)on / I Had A Shoggoth / Take Your Hands Off The Bear / Talk Like A Pirate Day / Rocket Ride |
WindyCon
Lombard, IL
November 13 and 14, 2009
$4.99
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Both WindyCon 2009 sets at a special price. |
MarsCon
Williamsburg, VA
January 15, 2010
NEW! $2.99
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The sets at MarsCon in Williamsburg, VA were intimate and fun, with lots of audience interaction. The first one, from Friday night, is just over an hour.
Tech Support for Dad / Hamster Brain / Honey-Glazed Ham / The Cthulhu Colada Song / Crystal Gayle Killed Frank Herbert / Smash the Frickin' Fairies / I Want To Be Peter Lorre / Return of the King, Uh Huh / The Ballad of Fenton / Seven Drunken Nights In Space / The Wild West Show / I'm On Firefly / Spoiler Alert / When I Was A Boy / 307 Ale / Rocket Ride |
MarsCon
Williamsburg, VA
January 17, 2010
NEW! $2.99
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Another intimate set -- over an hour and twenty minutes -- with a nice, chatty audience, and just enough people who hadn't been there the previous night that Tom repeated a few songs.
Illuminati Polka / Crystal Gayle Killed Frank Herbert / Redbone Sings G&S / Tech Support For Dad / Hyperspace Cryogenic Insomnia Blues / Honey-Glazed Ham / Kwizatz Haderach / Everything Is Dangerous / When I Was A Boy / Pavarotti Sings KISS / Blue Screen of Death / Making Buddha's Hard To Do /Hey, It's Can(n)on / Talk Like A Pirate Day / Smash the Frickin' Fairies / Cruisin' For Chicks On Google Maps / Redneck Ninjas / Badger Pajama / Two Guys Kissin' (Ruined My Life) / I Had A Shoggoth / 307 Ale / Rocket Ride |
MarsCon
Williamsburg, VA
January 15-17, 2010
NEW! $4.99
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Both MarsCon 2010 sets at a special price. |
ConFusion
Troy, MI
January 23, 2010
NEW! $2.99
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Home court advantage! Over fifty minutes of silly with the local crew in S.E. Michigan.
Improv: The Disclaimer Song Etc. / Zombie Pirates In Love / Jim Croce Sings Iron Butterfly / Two Guys Kissin' (Ruined My Life) / Honey-Glazed Ham / Hyperspace Cryogenic Insomnia Blues / Hamster Brain / Alien Adventures / Operation: Desert Storm / Pavarotti Sings KISS / Seven Drunken Nights In Space / Badger Pajama / The Cthulhu Colada Song / I Had A Shoggoth / 307 Ale |
ConFlikt
Seattle, WA
January 30, 2010
NEW! $3.99
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Tom doesn't get to the Pacific Northwest very often, and this time was really worth the wait. A fantastic hot crowd carries a dying throat through almost two hours of silly, serious, and everything in between, complete with a fake encore!
Smash the Frickin' Fairies / Illuminati Polka / Tech Support For Dad / Hyperspace Cryogenic Insomnia Blues / Blue Screen of Death / Crystal Gayle Killed Frank Herbert / Honey-Glazed Ham / Redneck Ninjas / Hey, It's Can(n)on / Dead Potters / Everything Is Dangerous / I Want To Be Peter Lorre / Spoiler Alert / The Ballad of Fenton / I'm On Firefly / Dervish / 500 Hats / Badger Pajama / What If? / Talk Like A Pirate Day / I Had A Shoggoth / The Here and Now / 307 Ale / Rocket Ride |
What The Hell?! Con
Greensboro, NC
February 5, 2010
NEW! $2.99
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Tom zips back down to the welcoming arms of Guilford College in Greensboro, NC for another fantastic weekend with the small but amazingly cool crowd at What The Hell?! Con. Great crowd, and a lotta reverb in that hall. Unfortunately, the batteries died on the recorder, and the last ten minutes were lost -- but they were "307 Ale" and "Rocket Ride", so you've probably got them. ;)
Hey, It's Can(n)on / Two Guys Kissin' (Ruined My Life) / Hanster Brain / Crystal Gayle Killed Frank Herbert / Redbone Sings G&S and Lehrer / Pavarotti Sings KISS / Denver Does Elvis / Honey-Glazed Ham / Tech Support For Dad / Smurfin' Safari / Smash the Frickin' Fairies / Domino Death / The Cthulhu Colada Song / I Want To Be Peter Lorre / Return of the King, Uh Huh / The Ballad of Fenton / WB's Lord Of The Rings (excerpt) / Operation: Desert Storm / Badger Pajama / House On Cthulhu Corner |
What The Hell?! Con
Greensboro, NC
February 6, 2010
NEW! $2.99
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An even bigger and better crowd for Saturday night, with the best crowd reaction to "The Wild West Show" ever.
Improv: Lecture Announcement / A Pirate Christmas / Everything Is Dangerous / Alternate Universe Lost & Found / Stony Peak (excerpt) / The Ballad of Rupert / Hyperspace Cryogenic Insomnia Blues / Oh, Joy! Raptor / Brundle Love / Telly Taley Heart / I'm On Firefly / Spoiler Alert / PQR / The Wild West Show / Seven Drunken Nights In Space / Redneck Ninjas / Dervish / Take Your Hands Off The Bear / I Had A Shoggoth / When I Was A Boy / A Boy And His Frog / The Rainbow Connection Improv: Shiny Red |
What The Hell?! Con
Greensboro, NC
February 5 and 6, 2010
NEW! $4.99
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Both What The Hell?! Con 2010 sets at a special price. |
CapriCon
Chicago, IL
Feb. 13, 2010
NEW! $2.99 |
Almost an hour and a half in the Cabaret, with an excellent crowd and so much shtick it's labeled below.
Improv: Mike Check and Don't It Make / Exclusive! Extended Banter / Smash the Frickin' Fairies / Tom On Tour / Illuminati Polka / I Want To Be Peter Lorre / Spoiler Alert / Hamster Brain / Improv: Woke Up This Mornin' / Irprov: Eric Coleman Woke Up This Mornin' / The Ballad of Fenton / Death Sheep and Merch / Domino Death / The 12 Days of Star Wars / Hey, It's Can(n)on / Dead Potters / I'm On Firefly / For Certain Values Of Local / Turnpikes / Operation: Desert Storm / Tech Support For Dad / The Cthulhu Colada Song / O Yog Sothoth / Worship Cthulhu / 24 Hour Comics Day / Badger Pajama / I Had A Shoggoth / 307 Ale / Talk Like A Pirate Day / Rocket Ride |
Sounds Familiar -- 99¢ each
Back in Cretaceous days, Tom released two cassette tapes, Who Let Him In Here? and Domino Death. While Tom owns the songs, he doesn't own those recordings. Also, he's always had these studio versions of his songs in the back of his head. Well, finally, he found the little hatch at the base of his neck, opened it up, and is working those songs out one by one. New arrangements, new vocals, and maybe even some new jokes!
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Talk Like A Pirate Day
99¢
FREE! |
ARRR! The
official chanty fer Talk Like A Pirate Day, approved by Cap'n Slappy an' Ol' Chumbucket themselves. Perfect fer drivin' the whole blamed office crazy! This is the full studio version, an' on top o' that ye can get two raucous live versions -- th' one from PenguiCon 2004 with special guests Steve Jackson and The Great Luke Ski, and th' one from CapriCon 2008, with the ultimate special guests, Cap'n Slappy an' Ol Chumbucket! And all free, free, gloriously free!
AVAST, ye swab! This chanty be on Cap'n Smitty's album And They Say I've Got Talent, so if ye like this ye might want t' buy that. If'n yer feelin' generous, that is. Always warms the cockles of me piratical heart. |
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